How and why to talk with a partner about sex

Talking about sex is certainly not Russian national fun. It is enough to recall at least the fact that supposedly “there was no sex in the USSR”, or, in other words, this process was not put up for public discussion and was presented as something intimate or even forbidden. Since then, more than one generation has grown up, which every day receives a substantial dose of sexualized information from TV or the Internet - the same vulgar advertising using parts of the body (mostly female) or modern film eroticism, but it does not even know how to start or even invite your partner to talk about sex.

Someone with a sense of humor will try to pin you (presumably, it will be a man), that you should have sex, and not talk about it. And yet, it is necessary to discuss the topic of intimate relations, if only because at a convenient moment to convey to the partner what you like and dislike, what you would like to try, and how you want to do this.

In fact, such a conversation is a way to better know your partner, by analogy with the conversations that we have on the first dates, asking whether the other person eats meat or if he has allergies to cats, so that one day we don’t have to fail because of shame. by offering a chop to a vegetarian for dinner, and an allergic person a cat in his arms

Why start talking about sex at all, if everything seems so good?

To begin with, the vision in the spirit of “everything is so good” is purely your point of view, and the partner may think in a completely different way and at the same time not give a look. Sexologists distinguish such a type of couples in which one of the partners is dissatisfied with sex life and eventually begins to distance itself from physical intimacy or even avoid a partner, avoiding talking about sex directly.

Dissatisfaction in sexual life is also one of the most popular reasons for adultery, and not at all “he rarely cooked borscht”, as your grandmother said

In our culture, it is generally accepted that men are actually born with a set of sexual techniques (in the absence of sex education at the level of both school and family, most of this “knowledge” is drawn from porn), and women are already adjusting to them.According to this model, we have decided to build sexual relations “without talking”, hoping that a man as the most experienced partner in a couple knows everything, knows how and will not lose. In this case, women who are able to regularly receive orgasm, only 20-30%. For the other two-thirds, pleasure in bed is still a phenomenon that happens from time to time, which means it’s definitely worth talking about.

How and why to talk with a partner about sex

How to discuss what you do not like about sex?

To begin with, for such a situation you need to prepare a moment - for example, that very Sunday evening, when both of you are not busy, do not run anywhere and are ready to listen to each other. Take into account the main risky moment of this conversation - this is not at all the possibility that your partner refuses and does not want to listen (if you have a trusting relationship, this is unlikely to happen), but the fact that he will be offended and feel inferior. To avoid this, start the conversation with the positive side of the question: list what you like about sex, which moments or techniques you would like to repeat endlessly, and then summarize by choosing what you would like to correct.Do not blame, do not go to blackmail, do not engage extraneous factors in the conversation, for example, work or your previous disagreements, and give the person time to “digest” the information. Put the “correction” process into a joint game, focusing on the fact that your partner is comfortable with you in bed, but you want to offer him different or different sex scenarios that are different from those that you had before, and let him know that you are tough ultimatums no one is going to put. And prepare for the fact that the "edits" will not be immediately put into action.

How and why to talk with a partner about sex

How to offer to try something new in bed?

In this case, the minimum task is to interest. The maximum task - in no case do not scare. We live in a world where expensive heaped equipment for several months can become obsolete and dislike buyers, and many of us sometimes get the feeling that the same thing will happen to relationships soon.

Traditional techniques of sex are still considered to be something of a generally accepted dogma and a sign of stability in relationships, and everything that goes beyond is categorized as depravity, betrayal and deviation from the norm.In other words, we are not only afraid to try new things, but even afraid to offer this new out loud because of the fear of condemnation.

But this fact does not kill curiosity to better explore your own sensations and discover sex from the other side. In a conversation on the topic of experiments, the most important thing is to try to convey to your partner your curiosity. Explain to him why you got the idea to try it, and tell us what exactly motivates you. For such conversations, a captivating atmosphere is suitable, which will allow the partner to feel that this is not a showdown, but part of some piquant erotic game. Let the conversation itself become part of the experiment and throw the bait to the partner so that the idea will interest him and stop scaring.

How and why to talk with a partner about sex