Phrases spoken by parents who prevent us from living fully
Recently, I participated in one psychological training, where among the many tasks I was most struck by this — writing a white T-shirt with phrases that my parents said. Participants began to paint: at first it was hard to remember, and then it was impossible to stop, the benefit of the shirt was XL. Next, of course, we were asked to put on new things - in all its glory to feel with what weight and messages we live in this world for many years. Here are the main ones that have coincided with the majority:
Tell me, who in the childhood did not have that magic daughter of her mother's friend, who was a model of everything at once? This fairy always had time for everything, studied well, diligently carried out household chores and made the bed with talent. I did not go for a walk - if only around the house. So it seemed to us, otherwise why is it set as an example? In fact, if you remember even better, the continuation of this phrase, as a rule, was vague.My mother didn’t really know what was happening in the girl’s life, only phrases taken out of context during a kitchen conversation. In childhood, we did not understand that mother was not out of malice and that her neighbor’s grass was greener. Mom was not informed and did not even realize that her words could cause harm. But ever since we have looked at all the neighboring girls and, willy-nilly, we compare their lives with ours. We look into instagrams - take a look at their beautifully tidy bed and once again scold ourselves for poorly done work. And all our criticism of ourselves is rooted exactly in this experience.
We all think, guess, why we feel unconsciously and why we don’t want to say goodbye to infantilism, to take responsibility. In our childhood, we were not taught independence and the ability to make a decision - everything was postponed indefinitely. And here's the question: when does this “grow up” come? When will they explain anything and speak as equals? Children are definitely entitled to an adequate dialogue, because they are the same, only on a smaller scale. And what is the mystery that we have to understand in the future? Is that a disappointment that in the adult world, no miracles happen.
At first glance, nothing terrible.But if you think about it, then here is the sarcasm and the invisible message: “Want more”. Wishes depreciate, further turn into fog and clouds, and here we sit at a reception with a psychotherapist, figuring out what our personality really wants. And whether he wants at all.
You do not understand why it is impossible to jump over a certain financial mark in any way? Well, how, money is given with difficulty! You may not keep this phrase in your head, it already sits unconsciously in the subcortex and deprives you of excitement, courage and opportunity. Tell me, who among you is calling your parents the real amount of your income? Still, we underestimate a little. Because for good money it should also be a little embarrassing, right?
In childhood, of course, no. And then the inexplicable feeling of shame on sudden occasions can roll on a rather big person. Well, let's say, we talked to someone in a raised voice, and then we asked ourselves: are you not ashamed, huh? Have eaten an extra piece of pie for dinner: you're not ashamed, eh? Do not call the parents in the week: you are not ashamed, eh? We hardly allow ourselves to do what we really want: at a certain moment, raise the tone, eat pies and put “I want” above “must”.No one has ever explained to us that your true desire is normal. And do not call when you do not want, it's normal. And the more often you have been told this phrase in your childhood, the more often it sounds in your life now.
Heavy artillery, not otherwise. In the hall there are "lucky" who had to hear it? How is your personal life? Surprisingly, in our childhood any bright manifestation of oneself was considered as something outrageous and rebellious. The character was immediately stamped. Even a real angel in his soul could believe that he was a demon and something was wrong with him. In the future, this can lead to low self-esteem, the feeling that you are not worthy of love and, in general, that it must be earned. About the fact that you need to love yourself in the first place, you can even forget.
To interrupt is ugly, fact. But we all know how difficult it is for children to control themselves. That they always have a lot of arguments, reasons, and indeed they have more words than we do, because they always have something to say. These manifestations deserve not only praise, but also joy for the fact that your child is generally able to express thoughts and defend their position. The time of comfortable children is over: the practice has shown that shy mummies grow out of them who cannot connect two words and present themselves.All we can do in the present is not to repeat this experience with our children and to praise them for their thoughts and personal opinions.
No one argues. But in fact, it is necessary to respect all - and older, and younger, and yourself in the first place. Agree that this phrase always sounded a little frightening: they say, and now we close our mouths, the elder acts. In the future nothing changes: to us in our thirty everything seems, that there is some senior, before whom we can not normally connect two words. This affects professional activities, personal boundaries that the “elders” actively continue to violate. The modern world has long shown that rights are not the one who is older, but the one who actually gets experience from today.
Crown phrase of parents, agree. If we heard (and some continue to hear) her too often, then at some point they themselves began to believe it. That everything we do is not good enough and there is always room for improvement. We do not know how to enjoy the process and any kind of results - we want to do more and more. By the way, from here and postponement of affairs to the last. After all, somewhere in the subconscious we give ourselves an estimate: I will not do this perfectly, I can somehow, so I better postpone or do not take it at all.
It all starts with innocuous words: "Let the boy play with your typewriter." But after a couple of decades, problems begin: we can’t say no, we give more than we receive, we sacrifice our own desires. The ability to take into account the interests of others is important, especially in society. But in no case should this become a dominant. Here it is important to understand: the first thing that should worry you is your own desires and interests. The presence of this base will not only make you happier, but, most likely, will cause respect and interest from others.